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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Who I Am Today.

If you had asked me what I wanted to be in high school, my response would have been "a mom'. All my years of video productions competitions and classes, art classes, photography classes and my love for interior design meant nothing to me. I just wanted to be a mom. All of my other skills and interests were not nearly as important. They were simply a "plan B". See, I was raised by a woman who was beautiful in every sense. She was "Mom of the Year" every year. But she was insecure with herself. She got married young and had me at 23 years old and my sister two years later. If you had asked her in high school, what she wanted to be, she would have said "a mom". She never once really found herself. She never once put herself before her girls. We were her life. I admired that so much and I wanted to be just like her.But I obviously was smart enough to know I was not ready to have children, so I ventured off to art school, knowing in the back of my head, it wouldn't take me anywhere. I lacked confidence. I lacked motivation. I lacked the ability to dream bigger than I was. It was a natural character flaw that I had picked up from my mom. I was insecure.

I had an emotionally unstable relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were living together right out of high school and I was far too immature to handle a job, a boyfriend who wasn't good for me, and school full time. So being the insecure girl that I was, I dropped out of school without any intention on going back. Things got really bad with my boyfriend and I and after four years, we ended our relationship. I was 20 years old and already a college dropout. I worked two jobs and made a lot of money, but I was insecure and lonely. So when I met this guy, Samuel, I was instantly hooked. Sam and I went through elementary, junior high and high school together but never really knew each other. He was a babe and he played the guitar and I was smitten. He moved in my apartment a month later. Looking back, I'm almost positive my insecurities and desperation for love pushed him too fast into liking me. Six months later, I was pregnant. Not exactly how I planned my life out, but I was going to have a baby with the man I loved and I was so happy. I was 21.

Fast forward to four years, two kids and a mortgage later, and I am a mess. 24 years old and I still have no idea who I am. My only title was "mom". The one I had dreamed of for so many years. I had post partum depression. Sam was working 80 hours a week so that I could stay home with my babies and our relationship was in shambles. My entire existance on this earth was to take care of my kids and I was doing an incredible job but completely ignoring myself as a human and any other human for that matter. I was deeply insecure. I smiled through it all, almost in complete oblivion that I was destroying myself. This beautiful, talented girl, just wasting away and not giving herself a life. Then I got a wake up call. Sam was done. He no longer loved me. The man I had two children with, didn't love me anymore. I died that day. I died for six months straight. I couldn't pull it together. I was jobless, car-less, house-less and I had failed my family. It took me six months of a deep depression to finally realize that I  wasn't dead. I had a second chance to have a life. And this time, I already had the title as "mom".

This new perspective I had gained came with good and bad lights. I was sharing my kids now. For the first time in their lives, I wasn't there for all of their breaths each day. That took some adjusting. It came with guilt and heartache and regret. But it got easier. I was able to do things I had never done before. Things a 25 year old woman was "supposed" to be doing. Getting coffee and just reading a book, going for late night drinks with friends, or just having the time to get a job. I slowly was realizing that I can be a "mom" and still be my own person at the same time. My confidence was growing. I was figuring out what I truly liked and didn't like about everything. It was scary and unfamiliar but it felt good.

A year after Sam and I separated, I started dating. I had been through a year of horrible emotions and painful healing, and I felt like I was ready to see what was out there. I went on several dates, spent a good few weeks with a few of them, but it never felt right. I was able to see that they weren't the one for me because I had confidence in myself. Finally.

 Fast forward to today, July 2015. I am in a serious relationship with a man who has not only accepted my flaws and back history, but has also accepted my children.  Its quite odd to think of peoples journeys and how we all have very different ones and learn different things from each one. I made a lot of poor choices but I regret none of them. Some of them are terribly painful and I still get emotional talking about them. Other's weren't so bad, but taught me a great deal. Through the last two years,  I have discovered who I am. I am no longer that insecure girl. I am Karissa. Part of me is a mother. Part of me is a florist by trade. Part of me really loves to sing. Part of me is intelligent and creative and bursting with love for myself as well as others. I've learned to not care when things don't work out. I've learned to not care when people don't like me. I've learned to KEEP FUCKING TRYING. I've also learned that there is a person out there for everyone. That person will literally love all of your quirks and personality flaws, just as much as they love your body and the way you make them feel. I have finally found that. But only because I was ready. So here's to life. Mine has sucked really bad at times, but I am still standing. I hope that through your struggles and let downs, you know that you are beautiful, strong, intelligent and worthy of the perfect life for you. Don't be afraid to have it all. Don't underestimate your worth. You can be a mom and a baker and a model and a girlfriend and a kick ass whatever the hell you want to be...all at the same time. You just have to be confident enough to do it.

2 comments:

  1. Karissa this is beautiful. I am so proud of you and how hard you've come. While my situation was a bit different than yours many years ago, they were also similar and your new life will be incredible because of the lessons from your past. Keep on keepin' on ;)

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