Little Moments.

When I had my babies, I never thought I would be a single mama one day. It's actually quite saddening to think in depth of the idea of "sharing" your kids. There isn't one family unit anymore. There isn't one set of rules anymore. They are being raised by multiple people now and you really only know half of what they do in the week.They start to become these people that feel a lot like your friends. You have to ask them how their week went. You have to ask them what they have done the last four days. You have to catch up with their lives...but they are YOUR kids, so its strange. And you keep reassuring yourself that you are doing everything okay when you do see them, even though you have zero idea if you really are or not. Sometimes, in my head, I ask myself if they even know I am still their mom...the one who actually made them. Sometimes these things weigh heavy in my heart. It's that icky part about being a parent.

So tonight, as I'm dishing the kiddos up some ice cream with Halloween sprinkles, I go into mom mode and start stressing. You know what I mean, that annoying "shoulda, woulda, coulda" shit that get's us absolutely nowhere. Then Emmy calls me from in the living room. She starts telling me about her two dolls and how they are great sleepers and she tucked them in and read them a story. She is just such a sweetheart. I asked her, {thinking she would say some off the wall person}, where she learned how to be such a great mama. Her response...."YOU, Mama."

Cue flash flood of tears. 

We all have those moments with our babies. The ones' that make us go "Oh ya, I AM doing alright". The ones' that slow down time and your brain and make you forget about all of the smooshed pb&j on the carpet and bills that need to be paid. They pull those moments on us, exactly when we need them, like our own little fairy godmothers. They do it by showing us little bits of ourselves that have rubbed off on them. The best bits, I think. The lessons WE have taught them, but have forgotten in the midst of a crazy, stressful day. 

So here I am, crying, because she said I taught her how to be a good mama. Which means she thinks I am a good mama, which means I AM a good mama. Emmy looked at me like I was nuts for crying and continued playing. Little did she know that she, in a small way, gave me exactly what I needed.  She gave me reassurance. Reassurance that I am a fantastic mama, and what I teach them, stays with them, even if they aren't with me. 

Not spending everyday with my children is so not easy. I am sure I will always have moments of feeling like I can't make an impact only seeing them four days a week. But that's just part of being a parent. I think we all feel like that at times, single parent or not. So when you are feeling that way, just breathe in and take a look at them. They are you. Every word, every mannerism, every little hair on their head, you made happen. That deserves a big ol' pat on the frickin back. People tell me all the time {my mom} that I am doing a great job with my kids and I politely say thank you. But tonight was like "WHOA dude. You are awesome and I made you awesome". I am doing good. We are all doing good. The End.

P.S.

Thank you for the kind words regarding my last blog post. I try to be honest and sincere and real for myself as a release of some sort, but also as a human who just wants people to know that there are other humans in this world. I am not seeking anything or gaining anything from my posts. My only hope is that people know that life is shitty and brilliant all at the same time and we should share BOTH.